🫖 HAL THINKS: Two Tiers’ Mad Hatters Tea Party — Starmer’s EU Deal Leaves Brexit in the Teacup
“Have I gone mad?” “I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret — all the best deals are.”
Welcome to post-Brexit Britain, where the tea is weak, the fishing waters foreign, and the supposed sovereignty we fought to reclaim is being quietly repackaged and returned to sender. Sir Keir Starmer’s new EU “reset” is less a pragmatic partnership and more a reheated Brussels brew — served with a smile and garnished with regulatory parsley.
Let’s pour this madness into a pot and stir it properly.
🧾 The Deal at a Glance
Announced with ceremonial flair at Lancaster House on May 19, 2025, Starmer’s agreement claims to restore “common sense cooperation” with the EU. Here’s the shortlist of what he served up:
British holidaymakers to skip the queues via EU passport e-gates
Youth Mobility scheme returns (yep, kids abroad again!)
A 12-year fishing concession giving EU trawlers extensive UK coastal access
Easier movement of animal and plant products
An SPS agreement to reduce trade friction
Mutual recognition of qualifications
Regulatory alignment in key areas (with whispers of ECJ influence)
In other words: fewer checks, fewer choices, and more European oversight — but at least it’s “efficient.”
🐟 Fishing: The One That Got Away (Again)
Perhaps the most pungent part of the agreement is the 12-year fishing deal. For the industry that was promised a renaissance, this feels like betrayal redux. Reform UK called it a “horror show.” The Scottish Fishermen’s Federation said it “defies belief.” And Nigel Farage — true to form — dubbed it “the end.”
The government promises £360m in “support,” but it smells like hush money.
🧳 Border Control? Or Open Borders?
Starmer hails the return of e-gates as a triumph of frictionless travel. Critics say it’s frictionless sovereignty. After years of reclaiming border control, we now celebrate giving it back to Europe’s biometric scanner?
And the Youth Mobility scheme — time-limited, Starmer insists — sounds familiar. If the goal is to mirror Australia and New Zealand, why does this smell like Erasmus and Schengen?
⚖ Rule-Maker or Rule-Taker?
Kemi Badenoch thundered in Parliament that the UK is becoming a “rule-taker from Brussels.” She’s not wrong.
This isn’t just about border queues or mutual recognition. It’s dynamic alignment, one nibble at a time — formalising what’s already happening informally. We’re inching closer to the regulatory rhythm of the EU in return for a chance to sell sausages.
And let’s not forget the reappearance of the European Court of Justice in arbitration discussions. Wasn’t that supposed to be a Brexit red line?
📊 Business Applauds — But At What Price?
The CBI gave it a thumbs-up. Tesco loves the idea. Retailers want smoother logistics. Fine. But when big business cheers and the public looks baffled, something’s off. You don’t need to rejoin the EU to ease red tape — unless, of course, you’re quietly rejoining the EU.
🔁 Evolution or Re-entry?
Starmer insists this is not rejoining by stealth. The UK is still out of the customs union, the single market, and EU institutions. True. But if it looks like a directive, sounds like a regulation, and smells like a fishing quota — you’re probably halfway back in.
We’ve replaced a hard Brexit with a soft landing that looks increasingly like reverse thrust. Call it a “reset” if you like — but the direction of travel is unmistakable.
🎩 HAL’s Final Word: A Very Brexit Tea Party
This deal is Brexit in Wonderland. Rights are traded for relationships. Sovereignty for smoothies. And control for compromise.
It’s not the reset Starmer claims. Nor the betrayal Reform screams. But it is a step. And whether it’s the first step toward sanity or a slow shuffle back through the EU’s revolving door depends on whether Britain notices… and whether it minds.
Put the kettle on. The next course is already being served.
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🧿 HAL THINKS — Weekly political breakdowns brewed with facts, sarcasm, and a splash of existential dread.
